What am I doing?

So, tomorrow, well, actually today, I'm going to make another huge mistake. I've made this mistake four times before, but time doesn't teach every lesson well enough, I suppose. Or maybe I'm just stupid.

For my future self, allow me to fill in the details. じゅん, a classmate of mine in Japanese, is the object of my affection, a long standing one I hoped would disappear over time. Unfortunately, this isn't the case, and now, three weeks before our final meeting (he's going to Japan, I'm going to Korea), I'm faced with the decision to let him know how I feel.

Now, I know he doesn't like me. It's not possible. He's in love with a beautiful girl (who apparently is not treating him right). And, no, I know there is no chance of him realizing feelings for me when I tell him. I'm not expecting a relationship out of this. On the contrary, I'm expecting our friendship to be ruined.

So, why am I doing this? Why admit how I feel to someone if it will only end in heartbreak and a broken friendship? Because, even though I'm hurting "us" to tell him how I feel, forever changing his view of me, I'm hurting myself more by holding it inside. I can't distance myself from him because we share a class (and sit right next to one another). I can't escape my feelings for him because every time I see him, they become a little stronger. So, I have to say something, anything before it becomes overwhelming and I break down at an inopportune time. At least now I have some control over it.

I know he will never speak to me again. I know he is going to leave without saying a word and I'll sit somewhere else in class on Thursday and we'll both pretend that the other doesn't exist. I know these last three weeks are going to be difficult. I'm going to cry every night, I'm going to have break downs throughout the day, I'm going to want to collapse into despair for my stupidity and shamelessness. However, beyond all of that, I have but one hope. I hope he can appreciate that someone believes him to be a very special, very wonderful and very loved person. I hope he will take pleasure and joy in knowing that someone thinks so well of him. I hope he will be happy knowing someone loves him, even someone as gross as me.

But, I can only hope until tomorrow.